“In 11 seconds,
you can:
sense your signal,
reclaim your center,
calm your nervous system and
choose responsiveness over reactivity.”
Glenn S. Cohen
@CenterForNI
One of the core teachings of Neurological Intelligence is this: we are all imperfect humans on a journey to heal, grow, and evolve. Every one of us carries neurological wounds from childhood and adolescence. These unresolved wounds tend to surface when we’re triggered, become reactive, and create ruptures in our relationships, especially in our committed love partnership.
I often share with my couple clients: the true purpose of love relationships is to find someone who triggers you the most. I know that sounds wild. But stay with me.
Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” I use this quote to help clients understand why getting triggered matters. We need these moments to reveal what’s unresolved beneath the surface. And who better to activate your inner world than your love partner, the one you’re most vulnerable with and has the magic map of your inner world.
We consciously choose partners who match our wish list, and more importantly, we unconsciously choose the ones who trigger our wounds. We need a partner who has the unique behavior traits, energetic states and non-verbal patterns that awaken the unresolved aspects of us. That’s not dysfunction. That’s the curriculum.
When we get triggered, we usually respond one of two ways: we become rigid, move away, shut down or we become chaos, move against, shout out. And of course, sometimes we can bounce between the two polarities.
One of the guiding principles of NI is this: no judgment. Instead, we focus on developing empowering strategies that support success. We are all gloriously imperfect humans with our own unique special brand of weirdness when we get reactive. The key is for the non-triggered partner to hold space, without judgment, giving the other person the time and grace to heal, grow, and evolve.
Dr. John Gottman famously said, “I can predict with over 90% accuracy how a conversation will end based on the first three minutes.” I offer my clients this challenge: what if we could shift the trajectory in the first 11 seconds?
This is what I call The 11 Seconds to Heal, Grow, and Evolve.
It might take 33 seconds. Or 22. Or you might get it down to 3. The point is intention matters. Progress matters. Perfection does not. Every trigger becomes a living lab where you get to practice new strategies, experiment, and evolve.
And yes, you’ll mess up. You’ll forget. You’ll fall flat. That’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up. Let every setback be a sacred moment to reflect, reset, and recommit.
If you're the partner who isn’t triggered, stay open, flexible, and grounded in compassion. Don’t take the reactivity personally. Don’t throw any of the dreaded D’s: defend, debate, deflect, dismiss, or deny. That only makes it worse. Be present and non-judgmental. Stay steady. Be love. Be empathetic.
Next week on the podcast, I’ll go deeper into this strategy. But for now, consider this: when your nervous system gets hijacked, can you pause? Can you reclaim your center and breathe into a mindful response, within 11 seconds? Can you use that window to shift from reactivity to responsiveness from protection to connection?
A Trigger is a Fire Alarm, Not a Fire. Like a smoke detector that startles you in the night, a trigger doesn’t mean danger, it means pay attention. Your nervous system may go off like sirens, but the real power lies in what you do next. Pause, breathe, and reset. That’s where the healing begins. So, when the alarm goes off inside you, do you react or respond? What’s your first move in the heat of the moment?
If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear your story. Visit my website centerforni.com to schedule an initial interview session. You can also tune into my bi-weekly podcast, Lessons of Life, Love, and Healing, on Apple or Spotify. Subscribe to my Substack blog for daily reflections and as a gift, enjoy my CNI – Spiritual Soulful Healing Playlist on Spotify.
With big hugs and lots of love,
God bless,
Glenn 🙏🌻
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